You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
