Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
