We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
