guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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