im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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