I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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