I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
