Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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