either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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