What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
