I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
