I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
