so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i think my cat just said my name.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
