U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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