It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
