The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
