I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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