You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
