Tell her she can't have a vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
