You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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