the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
