my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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