Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
