I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
