i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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