Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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