you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
