I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
