I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
