I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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