pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
