Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
