he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
