the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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