How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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