The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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