PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
