: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
