My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
