Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Too much gin, very little bucket
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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