shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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