Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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