Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
