My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
