oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
