Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
