I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
