Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
