so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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