Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
