ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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