On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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