Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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