he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
